You might think that if you have a lightsaber and R2-D2 in the background, no video game can be bad. That even a corridor shooter like the adaptation of ‘The Phantom Menace’ can be good. That, what the hell, there’s nothing in this franchise that you don’t like. And yet, here we are, talking about the 10 ‘Star Wars’ games that have stained the last four decades. And, it must be said, the ones to come. Lower your lightsaber halfway: this is galactically unwatchable.
10-‘Star Wars: Obi-Wan’
It appeared in the second month of Xbox’s life, and it is supposed to be a prequel to ‘The Phantom Menace’, although it is not canon anymore. It doesn’t need to be: it’s just another little adventure in the saga, but in this case, impossible to control. You see, in 2001, the developers still didn’t know what to do with the second stick on the controller, so they used it to unleash the powers of Obi-Wan Kenobi. For some reason, it worked as well as an unplugged toaster.
9-‘Star Wars: Yoda Stories’
For some reason, in 1997 LucasArts gave their approval to a computer and Game Boy Color game (yes, at that level) that could be finished in an hour, could be played on the desktop, and didn’t even have central objectives: the player (Luke Skywalker) had, over and over again, to do different random missions, and then it was over. It was already graphically bad for the time, but playing it now is simply impossible.
8-‘Star Wars Chess’
Nothing says “Galactic adventures!” like moving R2-D2 pawns and C-3PO bishops. The game was an adaptation of ‘Battle Chess’ and exactly what you would expect, but much slower in its animations. Yes, it’s just chess. You move your Chewbacca-knight, protect your Obi Wan-king, and fight against the imperial army in front of you. It was 1993, you couldn’t ask for much more.
7-‘Star Wars: Jar Jar’s Journey Adventure Book’
A video game about Jar Jar Binks, the most hated creature in the history of the franchise? Of course. Nothing is wasted here. This title is educational, so it’s exactly as bad as you’re thinking. Apparently, children around the world want to turn on their computer to learn with an annoying gungan. Yes, definitely, there were too many games based on ‘The Phantom Menace’.
6-‘Star Wars: Jedi Arena’
It’s difficult to play the Atari without someone complaining because it’s legendary and they had very few resources. And it’s true. But this game, in which Luke Skywalker has to learn to be a Jedi against a combat droid (just like in that scene from ‘A New Hope’!) becomes repetitive and impossible to play within two minutes. In fact, you know it’s based on ‘Star Wars’ only because I’m telling you, because it could easily be a cooking or electrical problem-solving game.
5-‘Star Wars’ (1987)
O ¿por qué era una idea común permitir que Japón creara sus propias versiones de los clásicos del cine estadounidense para el Famicom? En este caso, un Luke Skywalker de pelo oscuro tenía que pasar por varios niveles de desplazamiento hasta encontrarse con Darth Vader, quien se transformaría en diferentes cosas. Por ejemplo, un pterodáctilo o un escorpión. ¿En realidad era otro videojuego y simplemente le pusieron el título de ‘Star Wars’? Bueno, probablemente.
4-‘Star Wars: Grievous Getaway’
Do you remember the first mobile video games? I hope not. But if you do, you may have an unfounded nostalgia for this title based on a small scene from ‘Episode III’ where General Grievous escapes from Obi-Wan. Imagine that, but turned into a game controlled by the keys of your Nokia with pixelated graphics, ten frames per second, and the feeling of wasting your life.
3-‘Star Wars Monopoly’
No, I haven’t made a mistake, I’m not talking about board games: it’s the gamer version of the most boring board game in the world, Monopoly. What could go wrong? Everything. It doesn’t make sense, nothing matters, you can buy your plot in Yavin, go to free parking and build hotels. I don’t know. I guess there will be an audience for this.
2-‘Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi’
It is one of the worst games in history, how could it not be in a ‘Star Wars’ ranking in particular? It is a clone of Tekken where the characters from the saga face each other. Bad graphics, problems with gameplay, unbalanced characters… Well, a gem. To avoid, specifically.
1-‘Star Wars Kinect’
And the most wicked game of the George Lucas saga. In a few years, we will have to explain to the new generations what the hell Kinect was and why someone thought it was a great idea to adapt it to ‘Star Wars’. Not all modes were bad, and there were some interesting mini-games, but history has left it with one: the galactic dance. Have you ever dreamed of seeing the Skywalkers dancing ‘YMCA’ or ‘Hollaback girl’ or, at least, “Starwarsified” versions? Wish granted.
